Winter term is finally over, thank God, and this is the part where I fill you in on unnecessarily explicit details of my personal life. Because I like to.

Last term was downright strange. Around midterms I started having these fits where I would suddenly feel like I couldn't get enough air, which sent me to the doctor for the first time in years. It felt like a heart attack, but I guess it was really more like a panic attack without the panic. She told me to go sleep it off, but that never really happened. I was probably the most depressed I've been in a long time, but I didn't really feel it... there was just a strange and terrible nothingness. After about three weeks of this, everything suddenly felt completely amazing for a week. Difficult to explain, but I felt close to something. And then the panic attacks came back. More recently accompanied by nausea. ...I'm hoping spring break will be enough rest to keep me from completely destroying myself.

I'm finally done with all of the required basic art classes, which is good because the last one I took just about made me crazy. We made plywood chairs, which would have been fun except the working conditions were frustrating beyond words. I'm still not quite done with the chair, but it should be done before too long. I'm still working on my embroidered dress, too... which should also be done soon. In theory, anyway.

Organic chemistry is hard. College is lonely. I don't know anyone in the chemistry department yet and I don't feel like I really fit-in in the art department. I'm not artsy enough, I guess... I feel like I'm too practical. I haven't heard back from the product design program yet, either... which is sort of lame but oh well. I'm going to try and take it easy next term. No art classes, which should give me a lot more time for my own projects. Emphasis on "should." Anymore I'm just hoping I'll survive.

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In other news, I've just survived the first week of winter term at the University. This term seems like it will be much less fun/more lonely than last, and I'm thinking spring term will be worse than winter. But hey, what's ten or twenty crappy weeks every now and again? I'm applying to a new product design program at the University, which will hopefully be better than the art department. I'm afraid to go to art shows alone now... the last few have been so disappointing that I've wanted to go home and cry afterwards.

I'm working on the most epic dress ever at the moment... it's very embroidered, so it'll be a while before it's done. That's about all that's up these days. Maybe some jewelry work in the near future. Trying not to fail O-chem takes up the better part of my time these days.

And I've been thinking a lot about the way of things... Alchemy and the like. The thought that we will see wonders by the works of our hands. To understand the potential of materials and of one's ability. I'm trying to learn patience these days.... hopefully it will better me.

When my friend and I were leaving the University's orientation day last summer, we were so optimistic about the way things would go. I always think of that now when I walk that particular stretch of campus. I don't feel any older now, but it seems like so much time has passed since then. I visited my old high school today with another friend, and it felt downright strange to be there. It's curious how so much can change in just a few months without really feeling different.

Fall term is over and gone just like that. About midterms I had to bribe myself with a lovely vintage necklace to keep up enough motivation to keep my grades up, but it absolutely worked. Chemistry is actually difficult now, which is somewhere between terrifying and exciting. I wouldn't drop it for anything, though. I almost quit the art department a couple of times along the way for assorted offenses, but I think I'll stay on with that, too. I still think they're putting too much emphasis on concept and not enough on technical skill, but that's just me. I ended up being really frustrated with jewelry class for their fixation on conceptual work, which was disappointing, but I still want to pursue jewelry making. Making in general, really. Design class was, educationally, the biggest waste of time ever. I made some good friends there, though, so it was well worth it.

I've got a 4th part-time job now at the University's machine shop, which means I have access to big fancy tools. I haven't made anything there yet, but probably will sometime soon. I want to make some fretwork screens still, but that's another project and requires a woodshop. I'm just now getting back to custom sewing work from last summer, which I can hopefully get out of the house by the end of break. Hopefully I can do a lot of things by the end of break. I need some good arts and crafts time.

UPDATE, y'all. Check this out. ([link]) It's me without the me. An unexpected surprise from the internet.

"Scientist" by the Dandy Warhols should be my theme song. As opposed to Coldplay's "The Scientist," which equally good but wouldn't make for a good theme song. I like to collect songs with the same title and different versions of the same song. I think it's interesting.

In other news, I got hit by a car today when I was biking to class... which pretty much describes my week. Having classes at 8 am is bad. By Thursday I was feeling completely sick from lack of sleep, but I think I'll get used to that eventually. ...But yeah, the front tire of my bike is all twisted up and there's a big bruise forming on my leg. Other than that I'm pretty okay. It was a big "oh shit!" moment, realizing that the car was going to turn and that I couldn't stop in time. Weird, weird feeling... the whole thing was weird. I can't figure out how I feel about it. I was completely calm when it happened, but now when I talk about it I want to cry. It makes no sense. I am intrigued by the irrationality of it.

It's the first bike I've had in about 10 years, and I spent the last few weeks finding new ways to injure and embarrass myself trying to re-learn to ride a bike. I'm re-learned now, I think. My jaw was hurting the other night, and I thought I might have tetatnus from all of my cuts from my bike. No such luck, though. I think I just needed something besides starting college to panic over. Then I had a round of nose bleeds. Some week.


Anyhow. Jewelry class is amazing. Basic design, not so much. It's the difference between a class largely consisting of craftspeople and a class largely consisting of people who liked high school art class. I'll take the craftspeople any day. I'm having a hard time getting back into the chemistry thing in Organic Chemistry, but I think it'll be fun once my head remembers how to work that way. I'm having a hard time feeling obligated to do homework, though, which is bad. I'm hoping that soon I'll remember how to manage my time.

And that's about it... I've got custom work piling up that I won't be able to get to for a while now, which is a pain but can't be helped. Chances are that I won't be doing much work in general in the near future. Which is lame, but it happens. Frequently. In the mean time, if you all want to see a great movie, watch "The Search for Wrong-Eyed Jesus." Or watch some X-Files re-runs. Or MXC.

Yes.

Happy Labor Day, all. For once it doesn't mean I have school tomorrow. How strange it is to be in college. No work for me on Labor Day, either, which of course means I'll be up at all hours of the night. Usually I'm up 'til 3 or 4 every night during the summer, but I haven't been able to do that this year because I have to be at work in the morning. And I've been missing the late nights lately... the way it feels when the distinctions between real and imagined start to blur. Mornings feel the same way sometimes. The other morning I was certain that the lining in a jacket I'm making was ripped, that the zipper on said jacket was broken, and that I had a nose bleed. Then I thought about it and realized that I hadn't even made a lining for the jacket yet and that the circumstances in which I discovered the broken zipper had never happened. The nose bleed was real, though. I had to look in the trash can that afternoon to be sure, though. And that's the fun of it all— having to really think about what's actually happening and what's only happening in your head. But then what's the difference? Reality is an odd duck.

And I've been melancholy of late, but not all of the time. Thinking of things... the way they are and the way they were. I'm good at obsessing myself into a corner. The other day I was feeling awful lonesome and hating my job because I still work too much, but I'm working on a jacket now and really appreciating everything I've learned at work. It's hard when things have so many good and bad sides to them...

I got rejected from the local Mayor's Art Show last week (the one for grown ups), as expected. I suppose it was worth a try, though. This is the first September in three years that I won't be in the local Mayor's Teen Art show, which is sort of sad. I have qualms about whether my work is gallery-worthy to begin with, but sometimes I think I really would like to have a "real" show. Sometime I probably will... if I'd ever actually paint something... if I'd ever make time for that sort of thing... you know how it goes.

And I'd better go to bed before it gets too late and the shadows start to creep. Sometimes I'm genuinely afraid that insanity runs in my family undiagnosed, and that I have a number of undiagnosed disorders myself. The first disorder I might have that comes to mind is how my imagination gets the best of me after 4 am... I can scare myself silly right quick when it gets that late. No idea why.